Monday, November 17, 2014

Limbo....but not the flexible game!! Post from 11-12

I was gung ho to start that challenge.  It was so simple.  It was so spot on.  It was something that even in my messed up life/world that I felt that I could manage.  And then I read the 'update' to the challenge.  Basically the organizer decided to add a bit to the challenge.   Now don't get me wrong.  I actually LOVE the things that they added.  I think all of the points are awesome.   But right now in my life it adds too many layers and complicates things too much.  I need simple right now.  I can't worry about all of the things to challenge myself with .  Yes, I know I could still the simple things, but I know me.  I would feel like a failure for not doing those things that I ignore.  It's not worth it to me.  So I remain challenge-less.

I have hit up zumba each night this week.  I have also run twice within the last couple days.   My eating....lets not talk about that.  However, I will say this......I do know that I have to dial that in!!!!!!

The last two days have been reality let tearless so hopefully things are shifting.  :-).  I just want this 'being in limbo' to end....and get on with my life.....reinvent myself.   Figure out who I am and what I want.  I need to find me again.  (Oh heavens help us because the real me may be a fruit loop of a nut case!!!!)   Either way I am chomping at the bit to get past this stage.   


Packing

I'm still around.   I'm not putting any effort into my weight loss at this point.   I've got so much going on that I feel as if my head may explode.

Packing, packing and more packing.  How can one person have this much stuff??? Really, I'm not joking!  It's heart wrenching packing.  It's decision laden packing.  I have to decide who 'owns' each and every item I pick up.  Is it mine or his.  If it is ours who gets to keep it.    If it is an item deemed as mine I then have to decide where it goes....storage or into the limited space that I will be calling 'mine' for the future.   It's a horrible process.   Seriously what do you do with this???


Why yes that's my wedding cake top.  

What about this???

My wedding bouquet?

Or better yet...


Every rose he ever gave me was dried and saved.  Yes I'm a sentimental fool!!!

I chucked the flowers (he pulled them out of the trash and put them in the compost pile...whatever.).  The bouquet and cake topper I threw in with his stuff.  Let him deal with that!!!   Ok that is probably mean, but I didn't want to deal with it.

So my house is stacks of boxes that I am continually moving to strafe...bringing in empty and filling them and moving them.


Last week I hit up Zumba three times...and ran twice.   So I'm not totally off the rails.

However I'm at the top end of that 5 pound weight fluctuation.  Grrrrrr

Monday, November 10, 2014

New toys

OI didn't want to, but I got myself up and out of the bed this morning.  Why?   I wanted to get out and run.  I contemplated. I seriously contemplated because I am going to zumba tonight.  So a run is a double dip into the exercise arena.  But you know what.  An extra bout of exercise is not going to kill me.  



I ran for the second time with my new headphones.  What can I say....LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  Why in the world did I drag my feet for so long before going with wireless headphones?   Liberating freedom.  No wires snaked through my clothes.  No wires flapping in the wind.   Nothing.  Freedom!   And even better?   I have long had a hate relationship with ear buds.  They just do not work well with my ear.   They just don't stay in my ears.  (Maybe I've got big ears....or maybe small ears....I don't know but they do NOT work for me).  I have compensated for this by buying buds that have an arm that loops around my ear.  You can see the ear piece hanging down in this picture. 



 But when it boils down, it is STILL an ear bud that doesn't fit in my ear.    The little arm loopy thing that goes over my ear helps but it is still a struggle.  Seriously.  When pictures are taken of me at races or whatnot, I usually have at least one picture that has me adjusting my headphone earpiece.  See......


These new headphones stay firm and snug on my head!   No earpiece to fuss with.  I have been able to run a few miles each time I've used them and I haven't had to adjust them AT ALL!   YAY!!!!  Well worth the money!!!!!


I also purchased a new heart rate monitor.  I went with a blue tooth monitor that I could link up with various apps on my phone.  Thus far I have only used the actual polar app.  My next step is to play with it within the mapmyfitness app (which is what I typically use) and the strava app (which I've heard is a superior app....so I want to play around with it).  This isn't as fun of a new purchase, but it gives me valuable feedback (I know that this morning I could have pushed it a bit harder just based upon my heart rate.)

I am holding on....by the tips of my fingers.  I am trying to get myself packed up.  Much of my stuff is going into storage, that is what I'm focusing on at this time.  Packing up that stuff.  My emotions are still fluctuating like mad. Some days are better than others.   Today, for example I didn't cry my whole run...that's an improvement right?    I just want this to be over and to be happy, if happiness is even an option in life for me.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Focus forward

I was perusing blog posts today and stumbled across some talk of a 50 day challenge.  Now let me be honest. I've joined some challenges and they have been awesome, but more often than not the challenges turn into a eat this food product, follow this diet plan or buy this exercise program and commit to it for the set time.  I don't want that.  I'm not saying that the said methods don't work.....for that person.  However, the same thing doesn't work for everyone and it may work for the first half of a challenge and then need adjusting.  So I prefer a little more 'leeway'.   So it was with some skepticm that I began to read about this challenge.  The first item up for conversation was water consumption.  Hmmm, I do try to drink a fair amount of water.   I read onward.  Wow, they weren't even saying to cut out other forms of drinks.  The focus is just to drink water.  If you get your water in and continue to drink other stuff....great.  I can do that!

I read on.  The next thing was to eat thoughtfully.  Well yeah, that's important too!  And simple!   I can do this one!  Next up was to chose your holiday celebrations.  Once again not saying you can't celebrate just saying chose your celebrations carefully.  Hmmmm

Item number 4 was to move regularly.  200 minutes a week....really?  I already do 180 minutes just with my 3 zumba classes.  Easy peasy!

The last challenge item was to track and reflect daily!   Ok, so I haven't been tracking lately, but you know what?  I'm ok with doing it again.  Might be good for me.

 I'm in!   This is a basic plan that focuses on healthy HABITS and not the actual method of completing those habits.   

I'm in a stage of my life where things are going to be changing at a rapid pace.  I'll be moving.  I am saying goodbye to a life and lifestyle that have become comfortable (maybe not what I want...but comfortable).   I am saying goodbye to a man that I do love, but that I know is not what I need.   I need to have that daily reminder and challenge to help me set up my 'new life' with these habits first and foremost.    And well....yes, I'm going to be turning 42 right about the time that I move back into my parents house.  (yes, I'm moving in with my mommy and daddy.....but it's the best move for me as I can recoup emotionally and yes financially).  The problem with moving in with my parents?    My mom bakes CONSTANTLY.  True, she sells most of her product at a local farmers market but there are always delicious baked goods in the house.   But I will navigate that landmine and in doing it I will become stronger in this journey of weight loss.

There are good factors about moving in with my parents, beyond the obvious.  And the plethera of baked good is NOT a positive, as much as my mind and taste buds say it is positive.  My friend Paula is super excited because I will be living within a mile or two of her and that means it will be SOOO much easier to run together. (we are about 30 minutes apart now).  My sister in law has asked me (before any of this started to go down) to join a fitness center with her.  Yeah, I probably will. My sister in law (who incidentally lives across the street from my parents) also runs.  My aunt (who lives next door) has run also (don't know if she is right now due to a knee injury).   So I will have an outlet and support.   (which is good because darn if cakes and pastries are not my downfall!).  And well, I'm going to be in the finished basement with my kitty cats so I will once again have STEPS!  (Yesterday's post explains it all)

I can navigate these changes.  I can, I have to.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

No longer hiding

This is probably the hardest blog post I have ever had to write.  Brutal actually.  And really what does it have to do with weight loss?   Nothing.   Everything.

I've alluded to the fact that I'm utterly sad and depressed.   I've not really come out and said what's going on but suffice it to say it's been no fun.   So it is with a heavy, heartbroken heart that I write that my marriage is over.  Oh it's not over on paper and on a technical viewpoint, we've got a ways to go until everything is finalized, signed sealed and delivered.  But it's 'over'.  


I have no interest in rehashing the details of what brought about the demise of my marriage.  This is not the time or place for that.  

I have struggled greatly over this upcoming 'event'.  I grew up in an environment where Divorce was a bad bad word. It was ingrained in my mind that divorce was a bad thing and looked down upon.  I resisted this for so long.  If I pray for my marriage it will work, right?  Nope.   That didn't work....nothing I tried worked. (and I tried and tried and tried)  So I will join the ranks of people that have a 'failed marriage' in the life.  Great, another failure! Just what I wanted, as if I haven't failed in enough of my ventures.



I am petrified.  I am scared.   I am heartbroken.

I know that these issues have held me back in my weight loss efforts the last year. The stress alone probably is enough to drop me in my tracks and keep me from success.  Beyond that,  I haven't been able to focus on anything other than these issues and how I'm feeling.   I hope that as these issues are eradicated from my life that the weight drops.  I sure hope so!


So I end this post hopeful for the future.




Thursday, October 30, 2014

Down but not out!

I'm still here.   I haven't fallen off the ends of the earth or anything drastic like that.    I can honestly say that I haven't even gone off the rails in terms of my eating.   My weight is holding at that  lower post Florida weight. So for that I'm happy.   However I'm not really doing anything to keep it there.   My emotions are doing that for me.   I'm utterly void of any desire to eat. Yes, Yes, I know.  For me that is a rare occurrence.   And yes, I'm aware that this is not the way to drop weight.  And I'm not dropping weight like mad or anything.  I'm one pound down in the last week. 

Running.   What's that???    That is correct, I haven't run since I was in Florida.  I bought new running shoes though?  Does that count???

Zumba was a no go this week (instructor traveling and she couldn't find a sub). So why yes, I've been a total sluggard!!!  

So this is just basically a check in post to let my blog friends know that I'm alive.  Hopefully things will change and I can again refocus on my health very soon.  In the meantime....I'm here and I may be down, but I'm not out!!!


Friday, October 24, 2014

Fly away

Yeah yeah yeah, it's been a bit since I posted.  I have a good excuse.  Really!  I do!  Toward the end of last week I started trying to get everything squared away for a week off of work.  Yes, you read that right!  A week of freedom!   How awesome is that????
What were my plans?   I did the necessary stuff on Friday after work, hung out with a friend on Saturday and finished up what needed to be done on Saturday night.   Sunday morning I was up bright and early and ready to head out the door.  My brother picked me up at around 8AM and drove me to the airport. By lunchtime I was in the air and heading for Florida.  It was a quick trip.  Flying down on Sunday and flying back super early on Thursday morning.  I realized when I arrived that it was 24 years since I was last in Florida.  Wow....how crazy to realize it was that long.   But weirdly enough when I looked out of the window of the plane and saw the terrain of Florida, I instantaneously felt a sense of 'home'.  It was odd.    The trip was relaxing and an awesome step away from 'life' for me.  Food.  Sunday we hit up a Mexican Restaurant and I had a chicken taco salad.  There may or may not have been some queso involved in that meal too. (I'll never tell...but it sure was tasty!) We had not had lunch so at midnight we were hungry and we hit up a McDonald's for a midnight snack.  (no not healthy)

I took along my running clothes and I actually headed out for my scheduled run on Monday morning.  Ahhh it was gorgeous!   I was only scheduled for a 3 mile run but I decided to do the longer trail which turned out to be about four and a half miles.    My foot rubbed a bit on the run but nothing worrisome.   Or so I thought!   And because I'm a foodie I will share that I had a danish for breakfast. For lunch I had a buffalo Chicken Sandwich and french fries.  For dinner we had Italian.  I ordered ravioli with a tomato sauce, a salad and of course bread.    

Tuesday dawned and I decided to skip breakfast to run on an empty stomach.  I typically run on an empty stomach so this was not at all an issue.  It was actually wise as I had an interval run on the schedule.  Why yes, I ran intervals while on vacation in Florida.   I ran a pretty dang fast mile (for me) too considering the humidity was really killing me on this run.   But the worse part of this run?   That little 'rub' from the run the day before?   Yeah, it turned into huge blisters and by the time I got back to the hotel (the big building in the distance....I was on my way back when I took this picture) one of the blisters had actually already popped.  Uhhh yeah, OUCH.   Good thing I was in Florida and had flip flops to wear!  Have I mentioned that these are running shoes I've  been using...shoes that really only have maybe 75 miles on them....(the exact number escapes me at the moment and I'm too lazy to go look the number up).     Tuesday's food was another buffalo chicken sandwich and french fries (why yes, I do like french fries and why yes I did indulge a few times whilst away).  For dinner we headed out for Mexican food again.   No queso this time, but of course chips and salsa and I ordered the most delicious quesadillas!   SOOO tasty!

Wednesday. No run scheduled for me.  Honestly, even if I had a run scheduled I would have passed due to my blistered heels.  Curious about the food?  Brunch of Apple Cinnamon flapjacks and a dinner of Italian (yeah, we like what we like) where I had ravioli again...this time in a pesto sauce.  Must you ask if I had bread?   Of course!

All in all it was a good trip.  I had time to hang out and visit with a friend.  I had time to sit back and read.  I had time to relax and watch tv with out the usual feeling of needing to do something (which permeates my relaxation time at home).  I did spend time outside reading on more than one occasion, just enjoying the wonderful weather.  The picture of the water fall was taken while I sat outside reading one day. (Ok ok ok, so what if I was reading, drinking a bottle of water and eating Reece's Pieces??)   We may or may not have also managed to eat a few Ghirardelli chocolate bars. I will neither confirm nor deny.  

On Thursday morning I awoke early and flew home to spend the day with Todd.  It was his birthday so he had the option for our day of entertainment and food.   He chose a really relaxed day.  After picking me up at the airport, we drove toward home and we walked through a mall and then walked around downtown Frederick where we ended up eating at Brewers Alley.  I had the macaroni and cheese.  Tasty!  :-)

It was a bit of a let down to come home.  I was so relaxed and so happy while away.  I could feel the sense of depression that has permeated my world of late settle on me almost as soon as I got into the car at the airport upon my arrival home.   It has made my mind circle as I have settled back into home life.

Today was my first full day home and I was productive.  I have done laundry, mowed the yard, and painted my kitchen cabinets.  (I had settled for painting the old cabinets white a few years back to save money when we were moving in......ughhhh.....the white was looking dingy and icky....time to repaint....and I'm toying with pinstriping the cabinet where there is a groove that was routered out....red of course) I also took the time to go out and look for a new pair of running shoes.  I bought a new pair....lets see how they work!!!  I plan on putting them to good use tomorrow! (famous last words).  Todd and I also got in a bit of a walk on the canal.  I love love love fall! (and fall is the reason that I missed living in the north when I lived in Florida all those many years ago)

While I was in Florida we spent a bit of time browsing/shopping.  I pulled the trigger on two purchases that I have been planning on making.  I bought new headphones...blue tooth so that I don't have to deal with the annoying wires when I run.  I also bought a blue tooth heart rate monitor. (the one I have croaked a while back).  

So anyway it was with fear and trepidation that I stepped onto the scales this morning.  Now I know that my eating was off yesterday (I didn't eat dinner because I just wasn't hungry and I drank next to nothing and what I did drink was diet soda...so one thing would drive my weight down and he other would drive my weight up).  I about choked on my own spit when I saw the number on the scale.  228.8.  What?????  I've been struggling with my weight and I've been stuck in the 5 pounds of hell scale vortex for the last 10 months, I go to Florida and eat food that is not at all healthy and I lose 3.5 pounds?   Really?????    We shall see what tomorrow brings on the scales.  I know that this morning my weigh in could very well have been a aberration due to circumstances (lack of dinner and lack of water).  But regardless, seeing something outside of that 5 pound range was a REALLY good thing!!!!  (and it made me chose wisely at dinner tonight!)




Wednesday, October 15, 2014

Torture!!!!!!

So I've been MIA a bit.   Last week was incredibly difficult for me emotionally.  My emotions were a total roller coaster.  I know I usually get that way (just want to cry...). if I'm tired (not the case last week) and on maybe one night a month in my cycle.  (Which was on target last week). But seriously?  A whole week????  Some of the emotions were serious. But there were stupid tears.  We pulled into the driveway one morning and I saw a woodpecker.  One that I've only seen once in our yard....and I've laid out there trying to capture this particular woodpecker on my camera a bunch of times.   I catch woodpeckers but not this type of woodpecker.   So what did I do when I saw it in my yard last week???  I cried because I didn't have my camera.  Hahaha. Silly, I know!  Either way, emotions galore.  What's up with that?  It better not be the new norm!!  

So I'm doing much better this week.  (Thank goodness!).   I am holding steady on the scales. That's a good thing, but I know I need to shake it up to get the weight to start dropping!  Dare I say that may mean I go back to tracking?  I've enjoyed the stress free weeks of not tracking.  But I want this excess weight gone...

I have set up my next training plan for running...focusing on speed.  I have a goal.  My personal PR for a 5k times tun is 38:20.  I want to set a new PR.  I'd like to knock off 3:20.....i want to be under 35:00!!!!   There I've said it!   I've announced to the world my goal.  (And yes I'm gunning for a sub 30 5k at some point in my future.).  So my training schedule has basic runs...longer runs and it has runs of torture....fartleks and hill repeats.  bring it on!


Zumba is going well.  This week has really kicked my tail end.  I am usually tired and can feel that tiredness in my body, but very rarely am I sore.  Holy cow this week is kicking my hiney!!!   My abs are screaming at me!!!!  Even laughing hurts!  Hahaha.  (Ouch!).  But I'll be back for another round this evening!

Monday I set out for a run.  Only 2.5 to 3 miles...but intervals the whole time.  Todd and I had eaten lunch and had a dessert of chocolate chip peanut butter bars.  I waited two hours before I went out running.   I made it a mile  before I started to feel it.  What is it?   Before that chocolate chip peanut butter bar began making its presence known.   I kept running...and I made it about 1 3/4 miles before I gave up and walked the rest of the way back to the car.   I have no desire for that dessert any time soon!!!