Sunday, September 14, 2014

Settled the Nerves



I didn't manage to run on Saturday.  It was raining pretty  hard when I left work.  I weng grocery shopping and decided that that running would wait until Sunday.  In fairness, the rain cleared and I could have run later in the afternoon but oh well.  Sunday it was.
I was out on the canal at 8AM on Sunday.  Brrrr, it was chilly!  I LOVED IT!  Perfect weather for running!   I started out and just started to run.   I didn't look at my time, I didn't look at my mileage, I just ran.  (The canal has mile markers so all I had to do was count the mile markers and I knew I would be pretty close to my mileage.)    
I was running in the peaceful morning when a guy on a bike crept up behind me.  He called out that he was 'coming up on your left'.  I jumped about a mile, and he laughed that he was afraid I was going to jump right into the river.  I trucked on.   I felt pretty good.  Before I knew it I had reached the mile marker that I knew to be my turn around point. (I knew I would be over my 5 mile run, but I was actually ok with that.)   I had run every step of the 2.88 miles.  I did walk for a bit at the turn around. I saw a jogger coming up and I didn't want to jog right in front of her....and then I wasted a few moments because I didn't want to jog right on her tail end.   So I waited and then followed her dust.  She was actually only remotely faster than me so I kept her in my sights for about a mile or so on the way back.  I ran the whole way back and I felt pretty good.  I knew that if I ran back to where I started I would be over 5.5 miles.  I knew in fact that I would be pushing 6 miles.  I figured it would be a 2/10th of a mile deficit and I briefly thought about running the extra segment to finish it up.  
However, right at the 5 mile mark I started to feel it in my heel.  Darn Plantars Fasciitis.  (my knees bothered me a bit too at the end)    I made it to the bitter end  and decided to not push the foot.   It was SO stinkin' close too!!!!!!


How amusing to see that I actually got faster....my last first and fourth miles were about the same. I turned at about 2.88 so that's why the third mile was slow...because I wasted that minute or two walking.    But how amusing to me that the last 1.9 miles were faster than anything else.  Go me!  (and that is when I was starting to feel it in my knees and heel!)

I came home and rolled my foot on a frozen bottle of ice......then I got in the hot tub to relax a bit.  By then it was lunch time.  We toyed with going for Mexican, but ended up at a diner because I enjoy a salad that they have.  I really felt the need for something nutritional.  As much as I love the Mexican, I just was craving a salad.                                                                                                                                   The weird thing.  Last week I ran 4.12 miles and my legs felt it all that day and into the next day.  They were just tired and achy.  Today I feel fine!   It was so hot so maybe the achy legs were just a kickback of the heat that just pummelled me.  Maybe it was the hot tub that eased the muscles in my legs today.   I don't know...but I'll take the no achy legs.                                                                                 I'm totally stoked though, because I KNOW now that I CAN complete a 10k.  Yes, I was a few tenths of a mile off of officially running a 10k, but I could have EASILY finished it if I wanted!  So now it's just a thing of keeping running, working on speed and just rolling with the 10k on the day it happens.

IN other news, we ran into Walmart. (don't hate me.....it's the only place I can find my favorite drink mix......Crystal light used to have a cherry pomegranite and I can't find the Crystal light brand...but Walmart carries their cheap version...and it tastes good!)  I call it my 'pink stuff'  and while I should be drinking only water, it adds variety and is better than me drinking Diet Soda.  :-)

But anyway, I digress......I ran into Walmart and low and behold I saw this back in the toy section. (Yes, I walked through the store.......stretching my legs some more....)   I'm a little disturbed by this!!!!!!     I was tempted to get it for my nephews.... but thought that my brother and sister in law may have killed me.  (ha ha ha...whatcha think Alan and Cindy???)





Saturday, September 13, 2014

Same theme

Carrying on the fear theme....


Friday, September 12, 2014

Heading into the Weekend

My eating has been sporadic,but it does look as if I'm holding my weight steady with this new 'not tracking' dealio.  I've seen myself slip a bit through this week though, so I need to totally tighten up the eating.  :-)

I have been filled with self doubt about actually completing this 10k.   I felt so awesome on my run on Wednesday and totally fell apart my next run.  In fairness to that next run, it was on a treadmill (Which I hate) and the room was HOT!  I however am not giving up!  NO, not me.  I'm going to complete this or die trying.  (Ok, maybe death is not a good way to put it, but honestly at this point death or injury is about the only thing that will keep me from it.)  But I'm fearful about completing it.  I'm fearful about being so slow that (whatever my mind conjures up actually happens).    I'm not giving up.  I'm training.  I'm consistently training.  I'm going to do this!      I actually just booked a hotel from for my friend Paula and I the night before the run.  I've spent the money...I'm doing it!!!!

And here is the thing........facing fear in the face and overcoming that fear is awesome for two reasons.  Doing what you are afraid of opens new doors but even more importantly the sense of pride when I overcome is amazing!!!!!!   October 5th at around noon I'll be feeling that awesome "sense of pride!"

Up tomorrow.....a 5 mile run.  I'm hoping the rain holds so that I can run it tomorrow versus push it off until Sunday.




Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Dancing Like Mad

My training is still spot on.  I'm running when I need to run and cross training/zumba-ing when I need to zumba.  I'm resting when it says rest.  I will say that I have had to do some minor adjustment in the schedule.  For example on Tuesday I was supposed to run 3 miles.  I ran that on Monday and did zumba on Tuesday evening.  I have also been adding in an extra run during the week. (I ran on Monday and did my zumba).  I'm a woman on a mission.   Ironicallly enough on Monday I ran and then followed it up with zumba and I had more energy at zumba then I knew what to do with.  I only zumba'ed on Tuesday ad felt sluggish.  Go figure????

The eating is going well.  I'm cognizant of what I'm eating.  Trying to maintain the balance of food, which means a heavy (high caloric) lunch means a light (low caloric) dinner.    I've had some days where I've just been flat out hungry.  And some days where food hasn't had a grip on me.  Ironically enough on Monday I wasn't all that hungry.  Yet I ran my three miles in the morning and did zumba in the evening.   However, on Tuesday I was ravenous.   I still didn't eat crazy.  (Egg and cheese sandwich for breakfast, turkey and cheese wrap with some applesauce for lunch, pudding cup for a snack and turkey burger , rice and applesauce for dinner.)   It made sense to me though,  because on Monday I burned a ton of calories and I KNOW I didn't eat a ton (waffle and hashbrowns for breakfast, protein banana shake for lunch, grapes for a snack, a grilled cheese and pretzels for dinner).

Yes, I'm falling down on the fruits and veggies....gotta beef those up!

Meanwhile, this morning I powered through my run.  I did NOT give in to the mental mind game to 'walk' the one incline that I usually have problems with.  I have KNOWN that it is a mental game and today I was determined to power through it.  I had a nice intervention.   A friend texted me right as I hit the bottom of the incline.  I fiddled with my phone to take a picture of myself (never missing a step)


I then texted the picture and a few words back.  By the time I was done with that, I found myself halfway up the hill.  Yes, I later thanked that friend!!!!





I got back to the car HAPPY.  I ran every step and I didn't stop when I hit the three mile mark. I was only scheduled for three miles and yes, I knew when I hit it.  However, I ran until the spot that I had decided to run to.  And weirdly enough, I probably could have gone longer.....in all honesty.  (my legs may differ, they are tight and achy again today)


I had a slight problem on my run.  I sweated...BAD...and it looked like I peed my pants. What in the world?   I have a picture, but I think I'll pass on sharing it.  HA HA HA....ok, what the heck!


So my pace is still freakishly slow but hey, I'll take it!!!!!!!

Monday, September 08, 2014

I mentioned my Saturday run???  Did I mention that I ran through the Ides of Hell? It was horribly humid and horribly hot.  But I did it.   Two things happened after that run.



One.  My legs flat outright ached the rest of the day.  Not enough to hinder me from doing anything but just achy.  

Secondly I started to obsess. MY time was slooooow.  Like 14.30 minutes per mile slow.  That's even slow for me!  (A minute slower a mile). I started to panic.   But I a squashed that fear and doubt down and vowed to not let it get to me.

Sunday was a simple walk tow miles day in the te raining schedule.  Easy right??? I t was such a cinch that by 5pm I hadn't completed it yet and it was looming.  I prepared to go home after a day with my family and my sister in law offered to walk it with me.   Thank you Cindy!!!!  2 miles complete in 30 minutes.  (Which goes to show you exactly how slow I was on Saturday!!)

Monday I got up and ran.  I knew that my normal Tuesday run would most likely  not happen (seriously I woke up at 5AM last week to make it happen and realized exactly how'd ark it is out there at that time....I didn't run in the morning).  So I ran this morning.  It was soooo nice outside!!!


Yes from the Ides of Hell on. Saturday to 54 degrees.  Today's run was awesome weather!!!!   And my time was more than a minute faster per mile.  Still slow but more what I expected.   My legs managed ok.  I could feel them, but not really sore and achy.  That is until after work when I added an hour of Zumba Step to my activity!!!!  Fun fun!!!

Now me legs are sore.   Todd came home from teaching his class up in Frostburg and found me luxuriating in the hot tub....eating part if my dinner!

And my experiment is working.  The weight is dropping pretty consistently.  :-). I want to add that I don't think this would work for me if I didn't have the base of right years of tracking and balancing my food intake as experience.  I had to learn those lessons in order for this to work!!!!

That's about it.  Nothing wise....raw....sad....funny.  Just me doing what I need to do!!!

Staying focused and so much happier without the stress if trackig at this time.  (That said I know the rough calorie count of everything I ate so it's not as if I don't have a clue.  I'm just not worried about it.  Saturday and Sunday I was 'probably' a but high in calories....today I'm just not hungry so I'm 'probably' on the low side! Who knows for sure.   As long as the scales are going down...I don't care!!!!




Saturday, September 06, 2014

Sore legs and some fear all rolled into one

Hooooooo-leeeeeeee  smokes, it was hot out there for my long run of the week. The canal was muddy as all get out too!!!

  

I woke up and immediately started stressing about the run.  I typically run 2.5-3 miles at a pop. So pushing it up to 4 miles was a jump.  I dreaded it and worried about it.  Yes, I did.  But I gritted my teeth and went out. (Later than normal simply because of my procrastination and worry).  I doubted myself the whole run.  Telling myself I couldn't make the whole thing.  I did make it.  I managed 4.12 miles.  This week. I've only topped that one other time (effortlessly it seemed at the time too...hmm).    So I am slowly pushing up my mileage.  It was also muddy on the canal this morning!    The last mile was brutally hot. I did it though.  It was slow..but I did it!!!!!!       


As for the rest of the day....my legs are SORE...all day they have been sore and just achy!  

Eating today, I did eat a bit extra for lunch (my breakfast was light and we went to lunch shortly after my run was complete.....yeah, I ate Chinese....and I was hungry!)  My weight was done again this morning though.  So maybe...just maybe I have figured out a plan that will work for me ...right where I'm at in this journey!  I even had a little tires after dinner (a kiddie size!!!)



I was answering an email to a friend the other day and the words just poured forth and made me think.

Teaching in PG county was a horrid experience for me.  It was the end of a dream for me.  It was the beginning of a life of fear.

I went to PG county to accept a teaching position as  a pretty confident gal.  I wasn’t not worried about moving to a city hours away from family where I had no friends.  I was not worried about starting a new job in a notoriously rough area of the city.  I was ready to face the world head on with a spring in my step and a sparkle of confidence in my eyes.   Things didn't go as I planned. My life long dreams went up in flames.   I ended up leaving the teaching profession a broken and battered woman.  Because I have vowed to be totally honest and brutal, I will just say it…I left in a state of depression that was at the most dangerous level.  Yes, I seriously contemplated and made the first feeble steps to kill myself to end the misery of existence and my broken dreams.  It was ugly but I got out and the depression lifted and I was ok.

But was I really ok?

Where a fearless (relatively) girl once stood there now stood a broken and fearful person.  I was afraid of my own shadow.  What if something went sour with what I was doing?  What if I found myself in a situation like PG County again?  What if I failed at whatever I wanted to try, just like I had failed in PG County?  What if?  What if?  What if?

I retreated.  I stopped dreaming because my dreams could lead to failure.  I stepped back and allowed life to move on without me.  Oh, I’ve stayed up on things. I’m not still living in the stone ages with dial up internet, no cell phone and a black and white tv (ok ok ok, I haven’t seen a black and white tv since the 70’s and I actually had a cell phone when I was in PG County….same number I still have today actually….ha ha)  But I’ve stopped dreaming.  I’ve stopped pushing myself out of my comfort zone because of fear.  I stopped doing things because of the what ifs. 

My life changed because of this fear.  I stopped pushing myself to achieve dreams and goals.  I stopped striving to be the best because the potential for failure was too great.  I stopped trying and settled for second best.

In the last few years I’ve started to see these fears for what they are.  Irrational.   I’ve started to try to push myself past the comfort zone and face these fears head on.  I’ve been successful.  I have pushed myself past some of my fears.  Each and every time, they all turned out to be  irrational fears yet they almost immobilized me.

Traveling by myself?  How crazy was it to fear that?  Yes, I almost got stuck in an airport and had to do a mad dash that even the flight attendant said was a futile attempt.  But if I hadn’t have made it what is the worst that would have happened?  I would have called in to work the next day (since I obviously would have been not in town to work) and I would have hopped the next available flight.   It was a totally irrational fear.  And you know what I learned that weekend?  I LOVE traveling by myself. 

Running.  I can’t even talk about how fearful I am with running.  I was petrified to run Paws on the Pavement the first time.  I did it by myself and the fear was intense!  I had run a few 5k’s before; but I had always run them in the company of a friend.  This one was I was totally on my own and I was afraid.    Yet I pushed myself to do it.   There were parts I wasn’t fond of (the boring wait between arrival and the start…that isn’t really fun by yourself) but I did it and that run was my BEST EVER time for a 5k!   I actually ran the most recent Donut Alley Rally by myself (although my husband was in the crowd waiting for me, so I wasn’t totally alone).   It turned out to be an irrational fear. 

The other week it took everything I had to admit my love of writing and my desire to actually do something with it.  Fear, plain and simple. But I’m doing it regardless.  Because if I don’t I’ll always wonder what if. (and I have already wasted years of not following the dream because of fear!)

So I’ve been trying to push myself out of this fear.  I want the confident girl back.  I want the confident girl that headed out into the unknown so many years ago to come back.  I don’t like the life that this revised version of MaryFran leads.   Just accepting what life doles out is no longer an option.   I’m clawing my way back and pushing through the fears. 

That’s not to say that my mind is not still filled with these what ifs.  Oh, they are there. But you know what?  I’m going to face them when they happen.  I’m worried and stressed and fearful about running this 10k.  (I’m SLOOOOOW…and my body is really feeling my current 3 miles).  But you know what.  What’s the worst that will happen?  I have to stop?  I get swept (I don’t even know if they sweep the course at this run….but I’m thinking that at my current pace of 13.30…that I should be ok)?   I trip and hurt an ankle?  Oh well, it will be a good story to tell at work the next week.  The fear is irrational.  

(Ok today was slower than 13:30)




The Nike slogan makes so much sense to me now….. JUST DO IT!  No excuses, no fears…JUST DO IT!

Friday, September 05, 2014

Experimental

I’ve been thinking long and hard about tracking my food.  I’ve tracked my food for 8 years, more than 8 years if I want to be honest with myself.  For most of that time it’s been a near religious adherence.  Oh, that’s not to say that I haven’t had a week or two where I just didn’t track.  That’s also not to say that what I’m tracking has been utterly healthy for me.  But I’ve pretty consistently written down my food intake for eight long years.  I’ve had incredible success with it.  I lost quite a bit of weight.  I also gained quite a bit of weight.  (Luckily I gained quite a bit less than I lost….and for that I am grateful.)  Tracking worked for me.  Plain and simple, it worked.

I don’t know if you noticed something about that last sentence.  “Plain and simple, it worked.”  Still don’t see it?   It was written in past tense.  It worked.  It’s no longer working.  I can track until I’m blue in the face and it isn’t working.  Last weekend I wasn’t tracking but was totally cognizant of what I ate and I was showing a loss on the scales.  I decided to jump back into tracking and it all went to pot.  Seriously.  I’ve thought about it and come up with some thoughts about why it got rough once I started tracking.

  1. The process of tracking is SO old.  I’m sick of it.  It’s the same old same old.  Boring!
  2.  I am constantly thinking about food. I’m thinking about how many calories I have left for the day and what in the world I can eat that will fill me up but yet stay within those calories.  I stress about the days where I’m left with 200 calories for dinner.  (And anyone that has counted calories will say that this happens!  Heck, I’ve been there with less than 200 calories for my dinner!).  I then have a stellar day with calories left over and I eat ice cream just because I can.   It’s constant and it’s honestly stressful.   Tracking has elevated the importance of food from its previous high and lofty place to a God-like status.
  3. When I have a day where I’m low on calories it becomes a mental game.  My mind is screaming at me. “You’re going to be hungry with just those few calories.”  In reality, I should be satisfied with that food and probably would have…until those thoughts started floating around in my head. 

I’m absolutely petrified to not track.  Let’s be honest here. For the last 8 years tracking has been a way of life.  It’s been my crutch on this weight loss journey (The rubber gripper on the bottom just slipped off a few times causing me to fall!  Ha ha ha).  To not track scares the living doo doo out of me.  Holy cow, what if I slip and gain a ton of weight.  What if tracking is what has kept me from regaining ALL of the weight that I had lost.  I’m frightened!  Frightened beyond belief.

So I have been thinking about it.   Here is the guidelines I’ve come up for myself to give myself some semblance of support as I try to go trackless.

  1. Weigh daily.  I have always done this when I’m on track.  I understand that there will be fluctuations based on the time of the month, the sodium in the foods that I am eating the day before, what time I had dinner the night before, etc.  I’m ok with fluctuations. I can understand those.
  2. Fruits and Veggies.   My body needs the nutrition of fruits and vegetables.  And voila, they are usually low calorie.  I’ve historically seen that when I’m eating my minimum of 5 fruits and  vegetables daily that my weight seems to drop.  I’m filling up on low calorie and highly nutritious foods.   So I will be eating at least 5 servings a day. 
  3. Carbs.  This makes me sad.  So sad.  But I have long known that I have to limit my bread and pasta intake to once a day.  Just the way it needs to be sadly enough. (I’m not even going to look into the natural carbs in fruit and such…..it’s the breads and pastas that kill me.
  4. Blog.  Regularly!   And honestly!    That does not mean once a week.  That means every one to two days.  Be honest about where I’m at and what I’m going through. 
  5. Exercise.  This will only work if I am consistently exercising.  Something.
  6. Eat using the same principles that I have been using while tracking.  If I have a big dinner planned, then that means that I better eat light for lunch and breakfast.   

I’m scared, but I’m ready to dive head first into this.  Hopefully my plan of eating what I need and not what my projected calorie count tells me to eat will pay off.  I can always start tracking if it doesn’t appear to be working and I can and probably will do spot checks on my calorie count here and there.  I will be and plan on remaining cognizant of the calories that I’m eating.  I’m just not going to panic over it and count each and every one. 

On the flip side, I'm happy to be away from MyFitnesspal's "streak".  It's cool when you have a huge streak but it became just one more thing to stress about.  I literally logged on when I had the flu last summer.  I didn't leave my bed, let alone eat.  Yet logged on to 'maintain my streak"   That's just odd!


Let this experiment begin!

And after all of this rambling.....I lost 2 pounds this week!  (I went back to my trackless eating yesterday)