Wednesday, December 03, 2014

And then.....

Lets get the divorce/separation stuff over first since it really does affect my quest for health.   I'm settling in and getting used to living with my parents.  It's going to be an adjustment for everyone.  I am plagued by tears.  I am utterly thankful and grateful for parents that have opened their house to me (and my brother and his wife that also have told me many times that I'm welcome there).   However, part of me misses my husband and the life we did have together.  Yes, it may have been crappy, but we did have good times.  It is also what I've known for the last so many years.  I also still feel like an utter failure. Nothing I've done in life has turned out decently it feels.  And here I am 41 years old and I'm living with my parents again.  (We won't even talk about the fact that I will have to up that to 42 very soon.)  I just feel like a big fat failure.  

Fat....oh yes, now we get to the weight loss stuff.    Why am I even trying to lose weight?   I admittedly lost weight the first time in an effort to make my husband desire/want/love me in the way that I need to be loved.  Yeah yeah yeah, don't be a hater.  I know that was a totally stupid reason.....and that the weight wasn't the issue between us.   But our minds play stupid tricks on us and make us believe all sorts of things.  And just for the record, I may or may not have grasped at other crazy ideas to try to save the relationship.  I will neither confirm nor deny!!!! (ha)   So today I was sitting at work and thinking about this weight loss thing.  I was thinking about the weight and I decided that I could totally accept myself as a fat woman.  What would I do different?  I would start buying clothes in my size versus trying to make do with what I have because I don't want to waste my money on this size.  Basically I would accept myself as exactly what I am....an overweight woman.  No more stressing about eating a piece of cake.  No more thinking about how that straight up butter (my  mother wouldn't be caught dead with anything other than full fledged butter in this house) is so choke full of calories and fat.   No more obsessing and thinking about what I'm eating versus the calories I'm expending.  Just accept it as the way I am, pleasingly plump.

I literally nodded my head when I reached that decision.  I was ok with it.  I'm me no matter what size I am. (Well, I guess I'm me....I don't really know who I am anymore....but maybe I can figure that out sooner or later.)

And then......

Thoughts started floating through my head at warp speed.

Wow, my knees have been hurting a lot lately.  They didn't hurt when I had lost the weight.  If I don't try to lose weight I'm consigning myself to knee pain for evermore.

Its a heck of a lot more fun shopping for clothes. The buyers for fat women's stores and departments are obviously retarded (so sorry that is not politically correct but heck this is MY blog so if I say they are retarded, they are!) and can't buy anything that is even somewhat trendy and fashionable...and seriously, lay off the polyester!  So shopping ... yeah, I'd have to give that up....

Running.  Zumba.  I kinda like these things.  Hmmm.  I guess I could just be a fat girl running and zumba'ing.    I do those things better when I'm at a lower weight though.

Oh heck, I just had more energy when I was thin.

So guess what, I guess I'm not quitting.  I guess I will continue.

Meanwhile, I'm trying to get back into the habit of tracking.  It's difficult.....but I need to do it.  I've been off he rails lately.   I'm having some difficulty reigning it in.  It's more difficult than I imagined it would be.

I have gone to zumba three nights this week.  (ok, two nights but I'm heading to night three in just a few hours).  I hope to recommence with running here soon (dang knees) and well....I'm just going to have to focus.....somehow.  (and then I went and ate two oreos.....really???)


Saturday, November 29, 2014

The next stage has begun

Well, I am officially moved.  The next step in my personal journey has begun.  I'm honestly scared senseless.  I'm uprooting my life and changing so much.  My plan is to start focusing on my weight again now that life should be settling into a more 'normal'.    It will be a rough transition as my parents don't eat exactly healthy and on top of that my mother bakes.....a LOT.  (Ok so she sells a lot of what she makes, but it is still in the house for me to have to resist).   In essence, I am starting a new life and I want to make it a life of health.

Running.   On Thanksgiving I was registered to run the local Turkey Trot.  I passed on it.  My heart said to save my energy for my move.  Yes, I completed my move on Thanksgiving day. (I still have some stuff to grab to go into storage....and my piano, but for the most part I am moved.)   I do not regret my decision at all.  However, I do feel bad that I missed my running buddy, Paula's wonderful run, where she set a personal record!!!  Go Paula!  

I had grand plans to start running this weekend.  I am delaying that a bit though.  You see, the move has been rough on my body.  My back is so tender and 'sore' from moving (I guess).  My right knee, the most arthritic ridden knee is really giving me some grief.  (Steps are rough on bad knees and all of my storage stuff went into a second story storage place and I moved into a basement....so steps all around!)    Maybe tomorrow I will run!  I at least know with the knee that I'm not doing any more damage to it...  :-)

So I'm still here.  I'm still emotional.  I have not wavered on my feelings about what needs to be done in terms of my marriage, but it is so difficult to face the 'failure' of my marriage.  It is also incredibly difficult to stop 'worrying' about my husband.  I have spent the last 16 years since we have been together taking care of him...it's just part of who I've become and it's difficult to stop those tendencies.  So I found myself finding something online that he needed to see and I had to fight the urge to text him to take care of it for him.  He's a big boy and he needs to stand on his own two feet.

Meanwhile, my cats are doing very well.





Lucy, my old girl (she is my calico and is my 17 year old cancer survivor) immediately left her cage when I arrived, walked around and found a safe corner and she promptly fell asleep!   She is sleeping and has discovered that she loves sleeping on an afghan of my mothers (my mom was going to take it upstairs, but I think it's staying down here now) that is sitting on the ottoman.




Ethel spent some time sleeping the first day.  She is 14 years old and like Lucy has been through some moves before so she handled it with grace and style....ok she slept the first day away too.  But now she is up around and investigating everything and meowing at the door to get to the main part of the house (until my girls are acclimated with my parents cat, there will have to be a separation of cats).   She woke me up in the middle of the night a few times last night to meow and 'talk to me' loudly.  When I tried to go back to sleep she would paw my face to get my attention.  She had a lot to say!

Mertz is the amazing transformation.  The first day my skittish little girl (she's 5 years old) went off into the laundry room and hid.  I saw her once as she ventured out, covered with cobwebs.  I petted her and she ran back to her hidey hole.  That was ok .  That is what she needed to do for her personal adjustment, she was safe and that's all I cared about.  However, when she was ready to venture out, my lone ranger cat who is anything BUT a lap cat....a cat that prefers to be alone and not lay with you or be petted has been by my side constantly.  She has laid with me, slept with me and if I try to pet Lucy or Ethel she gallops over in order to get some of the attention.   Night and day different!!!!  It's the most amazing thing to see!  Luckily for me, (and my niece and nephews who want to see her play) she is still playing the piano!  She has serenaded my parents and myself many times!

So my small 'family' is adjusting.  Lets see where this new life takes us.  Thinner and healthier if I have anything to say about it!





Monday, November 17, 2014

Limbo....but not the flexible game!! Post from 11-12

I was gung ho to start that challenge.  It was so simple.  It was so spot on.  It was something that even in my messed up life/world that I felt that I could manage.  And then I read the 'update' to the challenge.  Basically the organizer decided to add a bit to the challenge.   Now don't get me wrong.  I actually LOVE the things that they added.  I think all of the points are awesome.   But right now in my life it adds too many layers and complicates things too much.  I need simple right now.  I can't worry about all of the things to challenge myself with .  Yes, I know I could still the simple things, but I know me.  I would feel like a failure for not doing those things that I ignore.  It's not worth it to me.  So I remain challenge-less.

I have hit up zumba each night this week.  I have also run twice within the last couple days.   My eating....lets not talk about that.  However, I will say this......I do know that I have to dial that in!!!!!!

The last two days have been reality let tearless so hopefully things are shifting.  :-).  I just want this 'being in limbo' to end....and get on with my life.....reinvent myself.   Figure out who I am and what I want.  I need to find me again.  (Oh heavens help us because the real me may be a fruit loop of a nut case!!!!)   Either way I am chomping at the bit to get past this stage.   


Packing

I'm still around.   I'm not putting any effort into my weight loss at this point.   I've got so much going on that I feel as if my head may explode.

Packing, packing and more packing.  How can one person have this much stuff??? Really, I'm not joking!  It's heart wrenching packing.  It's decision laden packing.  I have to decide who 'owns' each and every item I pick up.  Is it mine or his.  If it is ours who gets to keep it.    If it is an item deemed as mine I then have to decide where it goes....storage or into the limited space that I will be calling 'mine' for the future.   It's a horrible process.   Seriously what do you do with this???


Why yes that's my wedding cake top.  

What about this???

My wedding bouquet?

Or better yet...


Every rose he ever gave me was dried and saved.  Yes I'm a sentimental fool!!!

I chucked the flowers (he pulled them out of the trash and put them in the compost pile...whatever.).  The bouquet and cake topper I threw in with his stuff.  Let him deal with that!!!   Ok that is probably mean, but I didn't want to deal with it.

So my house is stacks of boxes that I am continually moving to strafe...bringing in empty and filling them and moving them.


Last week I hit up Zumba three times...and ran twice.   So I'm not totally off the rails.

However I'm at the top end of that 5 pound weight fluctuation.  Grrrrrr

Monday, November 10, 2014

New toys

OI didn't want to, but I got myself up and out of the bed this morning.  Why?   I wanted to get out and run.  I contemplated. I seriously contemplated because I am going to zumba tonight.  So a run is a double dip into the exercise arena.  But you know what.  An extra bout of exercise is not going to kill me.  



I ran for the second time with my new headphones.  What can I say....LOVE LOVE LOVE them.  Why in the world did I drag my feet for so long before going with wireless headphones?   Liberating freedom.  No wires snaked through my clothes.  No wires flapping in the wind.   Nothing.  Freedom!   And even better?   I have long had a hate relationship with ear buds.  They just do not work well with my ear.   They just don't stay in my ears.  (Maybe I've got big ears....or maybe small ears....I don't know but they do NOT work for me).  I have compensated for this by buying buds that have an arm that loops around my ear.  You can see the ear piece hanging down in this picture. 



 But when it boils down, it is STILL an ear bud that doesn't fit in my ear.    The little arm loopy thing that goes over my ear helps but it is still a struggle.  Seriously.  When pictures are taken of me at races or whatnot, I usually have at least one picture that has me adjusting my headphone earpiece.  See......


These new headphones stay firm and snug on my head!   No earpiece to fuss with.  I have been able to run a few miles each time I've used them and I haven't had to adjust them AT ALL!   YAY!!!!  Well worth the money!!!!!


I also purchased a new heart rate monitor.  I went with a blue tooth monitor that I could link up with various apps on my phone.  Thus far I have only used the actual polar app.  My next step is to play with it within the mapmyfitness app (which is what I typically use) and the strava app (which I've heard is a superior app....so I want to play around with it).  This isn't as fun of a new purchase, but it gives me valuable feedback (I know that this morning I could have pushed it a bit harder just based upon my heart rate.)

I am holding on....by the tips of my fingers.  I am trying to get myself packed up.  Much of my stuff is going into storage, that is what I'm focusing on at this time.  Packing up that stuff.  My emotions are still fluctuating like mad. Some days are better than others.   Today, for example I didn't cry my whole run...that's an improvement right?    I just want this to be over and to be happy, if happiness is even an option in life for me.

Thursday, November 06, 2014

Focus forward

I was perusing blog posts today and stumbled across some talk of a 50 day challenge.  Now let me be honest. I've joined some challenges and they have been awesome, but more often than not the challenges turn into a eat this food product, follow this diet plan or buy this exercise program and commit to it for the set time.  I don't want that.  I'm not saying that the said methods don't work.....for that person.  However, the same thing doesn't work for everyone and it may work for the first half of a challenge and then need adjusting.  So I prefer a little more 'leeway'.   So it was with some skepticm that I began to read about this challenge.  The first item up for conversation was water consumption.  Hmmm, I do try to drink a fair amount of water.   I read onward.  Wow, they weren't even saying to cut out other forms of drinks.  The focus is just to drink water.  If you get your water in and continue to drink other stuff....great.  I can do that!

I read on.  The next thing was to eat thoughtfully.  Well yeah, that's important too!  And simple!   I can do this one!  Next up was to chose your holiday celebrations.  Once again not saying you can't celebrate just saying chose your celebrations carefully.  Hmmmm

Item number 4 was to move regularly.  200 minutes a week....really?  I already do 180 minutes just with my 3 zumba classes.  Easy peasy!

The last challenge item was to track and reflect daily!   Ok, so I haven't been tracking lately, but you know what?  I'm ok with doing it again.  Might be good for me.

 I'm in!   This is a basic plan that focuses on healthy HABITS and not the actual method of completing those habits.   

I'm in a stage of my life where things are going to be changing at a rapid pace.  I'll be moving.  I am saying goodbye to a life and lifestyle that have become comfortable (maybe not what I want...but comfortable).   I am saying goodbye to a man that I do love, but that I know is not what I need.   I need to have that daily reminder and challenge to help me set up my 'new life' with these habits first and foremost.    And well....yes, I'm going to be turning 42 right about the time that I move back into my parents house.  (yes, I'm moving in with my mommy and daddy.....but it's the best move for me as I can recoup emotionally and yes financially).  The problem with moving in with my parents?    My mom bakes CONSTANTLY.  True, she sells most of her product at a local farmers market but there are always delicious baked goods in the house.   But I will navigate that landmine and in doing it I will become stronger in this journey of weight loss.

There are good factors about moving in with my parents, beyond the obvious.  And the plethera of baked good is NOT a positive, as much as my mind and taste buds say it is positive.  My friend Paula is super excited because I will be living within a mile or two of her and that means it will be SOOO much easier to run together. (we are about 30 minutes apart now).  My sister in law has asked me (before any of this started to go down) to join a fitness center with her.  Yeah, I probably will. My sister in law (who incidentally lives across the street from my parents) also runs.  My aunt (who lives next door) has run also (don't know if she is right now due to a knee injury).   So I will have an outlet and support.   (which is good because darn if cakes and pastries are not my downfall!).  And well, I'm going to be in the finished basement with my kitty cats so I will once again have STEPS!  (Yesterday's post explains it all)

I can navigate these changes.  I can, I have to.

Wednesday, November 05, 2014

No longer hiding

This is probably the hardest blog post I have ever had to write.  Brutal actually.  And really what does it have to do with weight loss?   Nothing.   Everything.

I've alluded to the fact that I'm utterly sad and depressed.   I've not really come out and said what's going on but suffice it to say it's been no fun.   So it is with a heavy, heartbroken heart that I write that my marriage is over.  Oh it's not over on paper and on a technical viewpoint, we've got a ways to go until everything is finalized, signed sealed and delivered.  But it's 'over'.  


I have no interest in rehashing the details of what brought about the demise of my marriage.  This is not the time or place for that.  

I have struggled greatly over this upcoming 'event'.  I grew up in an environment where Divorce was a bad bad word. It was ingrained in my mind that divorce was a bad thing and looked down upon.  I resisted this for so long.  If I pray for my marriage it will work, right?  Nope.   That didn't work....nothing I tried worked. (and I tried and tried and tried)  So I will join the ranks of people that have a 'failed marriage' in the life.  Great, another failure! Just what I wanted, as if I haven't failed in enough of my ventures.



I am petrified.  I am scared.   I am heartbroken.

I know that these issues have held me back in my weight loss efforts the last year. The stress alone probably is enough to drop me in my tracks and keep me from success.  Beyond that,  I haven't been able to focus on anything other than these issues and how I'm feeling.   I hope that as these issues are eradicated from my life that the weight drops.  I sure hope so!


So I end this post hopeful for the future.




Thursday, October 30, 2014

Down but not out!

I'm still here.   I haven't fallen off the ends of the earth or anything drastic like that.    I can honestly say that I haven't even gone off the rails in terms of my eating.   My weight is holding at that  lower post Florida weight. So for that I'm happy.   However I'm not really doing anything to keep it there.   My emotions are doing that for me.   I'm utterly void of any desire to eat. Yes, Yes, I know.  For me that is a rare occurrence.   And yes, I'm aware that this is not the way to drop weight.  And I'm not dropping weight like mad or anything.  I'm one pound down in the last week. 

Running.   What's that???    That is correct, I haven't run since I was in Florida.  I bought new running shoes though?  Does that count???

Zumba was a no go this week (instructor traveling and she couldn't find a sub). So why yes, I've been a total sluggard!!!  

So this is just basically a check in post to let my blog friends know that I'm alive.  Hopefully things will change and I can again refocus on my health very soon.  In the meantime....I'm here and I may be down, but I'm not out!!!